Once you ditch the toxic narrator, I’m sure you’ll be unflappable. Let me say-as a fellow slob who’s done quite alright for herself-I think you’ve got a lot going for you. (The bestseller ranking is based on sales and is updated hourly to reflect recent and historical sales of every item ever sold on Amazon.What a creep that narrator is! I’m so sorry that her vile words must overlay your needless suffering. Here is Arlene Erlbach, our adorable authoress, who knows that felines are far superior to suitors.Ī Bestseller Rank as of 10:25 p.m. Here is our protagonist’s doppelganger, sans red wig.
Ever enterprising, Henny thinks of daddy-manipulation by near suicide (specifically, ingesting anti-fungal toenail ointment, no joke) or “moving to a planet where there’s only one sex and people reproduce by spores.” Good call! No quantity of house cats or house plants can fill the void even they will shrivel and predecease her (if she’s lucky). But Henny has a nose for these things: unless she does something drastic and fast, she’s sure to be passed up on repeat for perpetuity, growing ever wiser and ever sadder as time creeps by in slow motion.
As someone who also suffers from severe nasal angst, I realize how easy it can be to fool yourself with adjectives like regal, classic, or roman, holding out on the off chance that God’ll give you a lucky break. No boy’s hormones will be addled on account of his daughter, and thus nary a beating must occur. Her sly father can rest easy knowing the sticks can stay in the yard. TRAUMARAMA! Realizing she’s predestined for spinsterhood, Henny is this close to saving up for a loom. She has to stand by looking like “Jimmy Durante in a long red wig” while her friends-post-op and fabulous-abandon her for the woe-free world known only by those with button noses. Her positively draconian father, unlike her friends’ fathers, refuses to spring for rhinoplasty. Harriet “Henny” Zimmerman, who instead of having a “cute turned-up or artistically sculptured nose” has a “hideous lump of flesh in the center of face that resembles a pear,” experiences the cruelest form of class oppression. The main criterion of need will be physical unattractiveness.”īest teen pick-up line: “It seems like we’re destined for calamity together.”īest putdowns from a big nose: “Go kiss a mouse trap.” “I hope a big pin will come out of the air and deflate breasts.” “ a terminal case of acute psoriasis.” I’ll call it the Harriet Zelda Zimmerman Nose Job Foundation: a special fund to provide plastic surgery for motherless girls whose uncaring fathers won’t allow them to have one. All my pay as a veterinarian I’ll put into a special fund. After so many years of social isolation, I’ll be like one of those fish in the caves that have adapted by having no eyes. “By the time I’m a dog doctor, I’ll be about 26.
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